Clear as mud ** Well, I think the reason they haven't or they might be reluctant, and it's a false reason, it's one that I would hope to disavow them of, but they may feel that they're going to be labeled or stigmatized if they seek help.

Huh?
Posted 2:44 PM by Kerry O.

On being human ** On a warm spring evening in 1992, Ember (best friend) and I sat in her maroon Nissan pickup truck and had a discussion about strength of character and determination. It was just a conversation, but an intensely personal one which has stood in many ways as a landmark in my memory. You see, we were about to try out for the Flag Line for our Senior year of high school. I'd been on it for 2 years already, and she hadn't made the cut either year. She was deciding whether or not to even try this, her Senior year. Of course, like any good story, she did try out, and she did make it. Furthermore, she was great.

But it was an enlightening moment for both of us. She was trying to explain to me how she wasn't like me, she wasn't strong enough to try and fail. This didn't make any sense to me. First, I don't like failing either, and I felt like I just tried for things I knew I could do. How brave was that, really? Second, I thought she was at least as strong as I was and was seeing something in me that wasn't really there.

With the wisdom (?!) of a decade of living, the events of that night take on new light all the time. Last week, after Ember's daughters' Girl Scout meeting, we went out for coffee. On the way back, we chatted "just a little longer" in the car like we've done for the last 12 years of our friendship. She brought up that night in 1992 as a reminder that she still wasn't strong enough for, well, anything. And that she wishes she could be strong like I am, that I've been her rock and inspiration all these years. Do you have any idea how disturbing this is to me? I've spent the last week thinking about it.

We all suffer our own insecurities. We all put on our faces and go about our daily lives as though our inner demons aren't really there. I am no exception. It brings me to tears this irrational internal battle I'm having with the feeling that I'm an inferior woman, an inferior wife. What is Joe doing married to me, a woman who can't do the one basic primal thing a woman is supposed to be able to do? No, I know that's over-dramatic, but it's a window to what's really there in the back of my mind and heart. And it's just one of my insecurities.

True strength comes from knowing who you are and accepting it. I can't break my own stupid demons. But Ember can recognize, confront, and attack hers. She knows what her weaknesses are, emotionally and in every other way. If you're lucky enough to know her, she'll share them with you, with honesty. That is strength to me. And that is the value of friendship. I see these things in her. And maybe she does see something in me that supports her decade-long position. I don't know. But I know that we make each other stronger all the time.
Posted 11:06 AM by Kerry O.

A very blue Friday Five **

1. What's the last vivid dream that you remember having? The night before last, I had an icky nightmare that woke me up at 1:30 a.m. I almost never have nightmares, either. Someone was stalking my friend, and when I managed to hide her, he came after me and I actually dreamed that I was being slashed with shards of glass. It was horrible.

2. Do you have any recurring dreams? I dream about my family a lot. I do a lot of "reality" dreaming, where things are somewhat like what's actually going on in my life. I've had quite a few dreams about a future blonde son, too, but that's just wishful dreaming.

3. What's the scariest nightmare you've ever had? As a kid, I had a recurring monster nightmare. I don't remember it anymore. I had one about someone I love being killed which was quite awful.

4. Have you ever written your dreams down or considered it? Why or why not? Yes, I did off and on during high school. I was in this strange adolescent quest to start being able to control my dreams, like stop them and change them around into what I consciously wanted them to be. I was mildly successful. Then I went into a bit of a dry dream spell that lasted for a few months.

5. Have you ever had a lucid dream? What did you do in it? I don't remember anymore! Not since high school, but I remember some fantasy-type dreams when these scary animal things were chasing me, and I actually said, "Stop!" They looked at me puzzled, and then I followed them through these weird forests, exploring. I don't remember what we found, though. :-(
Posted 8:53 AM by Kerry O.

Spoiled trust ** Okay, I do know better than to trust everything I read. I try to remain skeptical when someone tells me "sure, that's safe" but those "sell by" dates on meat are supposed to be right! I really didn't know they have been re-dating meats all along. That's disgusting.
Posted 4:16 PM by Kerry O.

The plight of the Anglo ** This is hysterical! Go there. Now.
Posted 11:32 AM by Kerry O.

Referrals Scheferrals ** I may not be as cool as Gretchen, but I was still curious what kinds of search words lead people here. No, no moist panties for me. It seems the current winners are "a horse with no name" and "love makes me nervous". Yeah, well, that last one's probably true for everyone. Interesting that they were both from the same post...
Posted 8:48 AM by Kerry O.

Surviving ** I didn't know that the Survivor finale was on yesterday, so I completely missed it. We had friends over for bbq-ing and game-playing. In fact, it was another crazy weekend. Someday I will insist on having a weekend where I do nothing of value, succumb to my friends' and family's requests to share "quality time" and just generally rest. I will, I will. Yeah, right!
Posted 9:22 AM by Kerry O.