Man's best friend ** I have so much trouble with things like this. That story really bothered me, because I envision myself - or Joe - holding our baby Princess over our head while being attacked and bitten, only to fail and lose her. Joe was even saying last night that he's terrified of someone breaking into the house. Not because they'll steal things or disorganize our lives, but because they might hurt Princess. It's stunning how this little 5 1/2 month old terrier has become such a pivotal part of our emotional lives. We're going to be strange, interesting, and I hope successful parents. Having a puppy was a good first start. Even if she did keep me awake all night last night.
Posted 11:21 AM by Kerry O.

Ways to kill the mood ** Upon leaving the drinking establishment after dinner and drinks, Husband leaves in his own vehicle to take his friend home before returning to his own house. As he steps into his vehicle, he says across the smallish parking lot to Wife, who is returning directly home, "Put on that underwear I like." Um, yeah.

So Wife returns home first and is not greeted by Dog, who is usually pathetically wimpering and pawing the air by the time the key unlocks the door. Wife hears faint wimper. Dog is in bathroom. Why? Bathroom door is opened, and Dog has apparently been in the bathroom for a while. This has caused Dog great consternation, which has evidenced itself through unhealthy looking, much mashed and trod-through bowel movements. This is what Wife gets to clean up, as Dog attacks her with "puppy kisses" in delight as she is relieved from her tile prison. By the time Husband gets home - the thought of romance is definitely gone.
Posted 8:58 AM by Kerry O.

P.H.B.F.A.E.R. ** Yeah, sorry. That's an inside joke, but it is the abbreviation for the fond name I gave an ex-roommate of mine, and if you know me IRL at all, you know what it stands for. I don't generally talk about her, choosing instead to consider a part of my life gone and happily ancient history. She was my roommate just after I moved back from Seattle, and after 10 months I was paying rent but not living with her anymore. We didn't exactly click as roommates, and it killed our friendship. She moved to Colorado, and I hear updates about once a year from Ember, who still keeps in touch with her. Well, she sent me an email yesterday. It was short and sweet, basically looking for Ember's email address. But it said in it, "I'm sorry for what we did to each other." What an interesting way of putting it. She probably pored over how to word that for a long time. Neither denying nor accepting culpability. It was an apology, though in its own way, and I suppose I should accept that at face value. I'm working on that.
Posted 1:20 PM by Kerry O.

Spring: sun, flowers, and taxes ** Finished the taxes last night. Cleaned up the flower bed a little. Watered our new baby lime tree. And soaked in the beauty that is Phoenix Spring. I'm sure it will end shortly. Spring in Phoenix is usually about a week long. But it's a glorious week. See our weather here! (should be around 89 degrees today)
Posted 9:37 AM by Kerry O.

Upturning the apple cart ** a/k/a "Dropping like flies." We're having a rapid increase in resignations lately, namely in the position one "up" from mine. They're actually the same grade as me, but the company views my position as inferior. In order for me to advance professionally, I have to do so through that position. And my time might be coming sooner than I wanted it to. Not that that's bad, necessarily, just a little scary. It's a hard job. That's why they're dropping like flies.
Posted 9:15 AM by Kerry O.

We all scream for ice cream! ** Okay, you East Coast-ers. Tell me about Carvel. Is this a big deal? On the grand map of Carvel locations, you can see the only location west of the extreme East Coast is the one that just opened next to my house (about 2 blocks). Do I need to rush over there, or is it all hype?
Posted 3:31 PM by Kerry O.

Rats! ** A girl I work with here lives about 3 blocks from me. She saw rats walking the electric and phone lines in her backyard last night. Um, yeah. This sucks. We're going to need to get the traps everyone is talking about.
Posted 1:33 PM by Kerry O.

Power of words, part 2 ** I wish my team member understood sarcasm. And subtlety. And irony. It would make my professional life far more enjoyable.
Posted 11:53 AM by Kerry O.

Power of words, et al. ** You know, it is mind-blowing that human beings have this phenomenal ability to communicate, and that most of us participate in an unceasing effort to do so effectively. But for those of us who consider communication itself an art form as much as a means of artistic transmission, we have the equal ability to over-analyze ourselves. I'm taking to exhibit my brother. He might be 4 years older than me, and experienced in some areas of life beyond my imagination, but he is experiencing something I encountered 2 years or so ago. And it's making me think... Note, however, that I am about to over-analyze his over-analysis. Yeah, pot calling the kettle black. I'm recognizing that up-front, so back off. Hee.

When I met my husband, I knew that I would love him. I knew that he had the potential to be my husband, and I knew that I wanted that potential fulfilled. I did not, as I like to claim sometimes, know that I would marry him. I just knew he was worth it. But when the reality of the "Will you marry me" part sank in two and a half years later, I was forced to come to terms with some things. Among those things was finding peace with emotions I'd felt - and still felt in some way - for past relationships. Most notably my last "serious" relationship before Joe. We were very good friends in high school. We'd both had undisclosed crushes. Circumstances caused us not to talk for a while after high school, and to be hurt by those crushes. But those same circumstances finally brought us together into a tumultuous year-long relationship. We were young, and our relationship was fiery. It quite literally burned itself out. I cannot begin to put into words, if I had a lifetime to do it, what that relationship taught me. And I cannot explain how complex my feelings for him were. From the hurt and out of necessity, I blocked those feelings (the good and bad, both), and had them happily stifled when Joe stumbled into my life. I really did forget what I'd felt before, almost completely, except for the rare occasions when the ex would cross my path. He had moved on, and away, by the time Joe and I were engaged, so it was easy to forget about him.

But when those cross-my-path occasions occurred, I was jolted into remembering. With the luxury of time, now, I can reflect on what those occasions did, and about what I wrote in my IRL journal at the time - entries which look remarkably like my brother's, which prompted this entry. You see, I felt like Sybil. Well, not really. Only in one specific way. I had all these feelings which I had feared would be dangerous, so I hid them and pretended they didn't exist. I didn't want him to be sad, whether about our failed relationship or any future failed relationship (hey, right after our breakup, he married a girl named Barbie and was divorced a year later!). I didn't want him to be lonely. I also didn't want him to be happy and forget about what we'd had together. It made me happy that he wanted to call and "hear it from" me that Joe and I were engaged. It made me hope he felt regret.

But all those feelings I pretended I didn't have because I thought they weren't right. I adore my husband. I can't explain how full my life is because he is in it, or how complete I feel with his love. So why couldn't I turn off the love I'd felt (and hatred in that painful ex way) for this other man? Finally, it came to me. Going back to the Sybil thing, it was only when I let myself see it, recognize it and accept it, that I knew how to deal with those feelings. Wait - you mean it is okay to remember and respect those feelings? I don't have to hide them? They don't threaten who I am or what my relationship is with my husband? No, they don't. You see, I learned how to love from that past relationship. I learned what matters, and more importantly, what doesn't. And if I saw Gary in front of my today, I'd feel a reflection of the feelings I used to have, but that's all they are - a reflection. And that's okay. Because he is a human being with whom I share history, right or wrong, happy or not. And in some small way, that history is a part of my love for my husband. That love is something I would give my life for. Why would I want to take away any part of it?

Just some thoughts for this Wednesday. Hopefully I didn't misrepresent myself, and you can all appreciate what I said for how I meant it. And hopefully you are remembering a reflection of emotions of your own, in a new and respectful light.
Posted 10:04 AM by Kerry O.

Hump day ** So nobody's commented on my defection. That either means nobody noticed, or nobody cares. C'est la vie. I didn't get a chance to send that email, but I noticed April updated her link already. Thanks, April! I will try to get that out tonight. My immediate goals are that email, finding a new ISP (long story), finding a new home for this (which will hopefully happen in conjunction with finding a new ISP), and finishing our taxes. Not necessarily in that order. We really need to finish those taxes so we can buy a quality freestanding dishwasher with the refund and I won't ever have to hear "Will you finish the dishes tonight?" again. Especially in that tone of voice that is certain to start a fight with me. Hope you had a dish-free, fight-free evening, and I hope I have one tonight myself. Considering there isn't a single dirty dish anywhere in the entire house now, and I don't intend to cook tonight (leftovers on paper plates with plastic forks if I get pissy enough), I should be dish-safe, at least.
Posted 9:56 AM by Kerry O.

More on gay parenting ** Go here if you share my views on gay adoptions and tell them to Let Him Stay! Thanks to Kristine for the link.
Posted 4:02 PM by Kerry O.

I see how it's going to be ** To top it all off, I broke a nail. Figures.
Posted 2:31 PM by Kerry O.

April 2nd? ** Geocities was supposed to cease allowing FTP-ing for free customers on April 2nd, but it is most definitely not working today. Probably their way of kick-starting the mass exodus of those currently blogging through them. Whatever. If you're here, you found me and followed my link. I'm totally sorry to up and bail on everyone like that. I will try to send an email tonight to those of you linked to me, but if you get this before you get the email, my apologies! I hate when I have a site linked and then it disappears. Grrrrrr. On the other hand, it is probably better than leaving my last post up indefinitely while I sought a solution. Thanks for your patience!
Posted 1:59 PM by Kerry O.

Tuesday-licious ** I'm glad I had my review today. I have been dragging all day (well, since Sunday really), but that review pepped me up. It was gooooo-oooood. I needed that. I'm partially sleepy from dreaming about the review, actually. I dreamed that it was some evil ploy to make me feel confident, then when I went in for the review, my old boss was there waiting to fire me. Yeah, nice, eh? Of course, part of my sleepiness comes from Princess shoving me around on the bed all night. The last 2 nights, she's gone to sleep on my small laundry pile next to the closet (I haven't had much energy for house cleaning the last few days, sorry), and not in bed with us. Well, I woke up about 2 a.m., thirsty and in need of a potty, and I brought her to bed on my way back. She immediately curled into my arm and snoozed. Only, she kept pushing and pushing and by dawn I had about 6 inches of bed to myself. Maybe I'll leave her on the floor next time.
Posted 11:00 AM by Kerry O.

Meets Expectations ** I just got the advance copy of my performance review for work. We were already told that nobody from my hire group would receive "Exceeds Expectations" because the most senior of the new hires (read: me) have only been here since mid-July (and only out of training since September). But considering that, I'm thrilled with my review. My 4-years-to-Director plan looks right on track. She likes me, she really likes me! Sorry for the Sally Field moment. I'm just happy right now!
Posted 4:23 PM by Kerry O.

Happy Post-St. Patty's Day ** I'm going to start off by pointing my devoted reader(s) -ahem- to my brother's new journals. I'm not sure why he has two, but I think he's trying to sort out what he likes better. I'm going to show him what I know about blogging, and I'm going to make him show me what he knows about [live]journaling. And help me put this somewhere else now that Geocities is getting pissy about FTPing. Jerks. Anyway... visit him here and here. I actually remembered those! It was tricky after a couple of Midori margaritas and mind-numbingly boring music at Rosie McCaffrey's last night.
Posted 9:24 AM by Kerry O.